Stab on Sister!

So this morning was day 4 of Lovenox shots and day 3 of administering them myself- eek. Never thought I'd have to balls to stab myself every morning @ 7am. The injection site burns for about an hour afterwards, I don't know if that's because it's generic and the formula is a little bit different than the brand name. Nothing ya can't get over.

Yesterday morning when I got up to use the bathroom and take my shot, I heard the LMFAO song, "Shots" again, except my H was playing it on his phone so I could hear it through the bathroom door. It was a pretty funny moment.

I need to call the Hematologists office because I have some questions about the course of treatment, like what day do I have to go for the timed blood draw. A lot of information was thrown at me on Friday and now that I've had time for stuff to sink in, I've got questions.

I will also be calling the RE's office to let them know how the Hematology appointment went. I'm going to tell the nurse that I'm confused about what I should do. I know she can't make the decision for me, but I'm hoping she might have some words of encouragement. Apparently I'm being the need patient, lol.

If I follow the "natural cycle on Lovenox" plan that the Hematologist has just suggested I'll be waiting a full month longer than we had planned to start IVF. We had a plan in place and now with the new information, aren't sure what the hell to do. I've already been waiting 4 years (in October) part of me says "that's long enough". The other part says "What's one more month, if this Lovenox actually works"...

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”- Woody Allen

Shots. Shots. Shots. Shots-shots-shots. Everybodyyy!

This morning I gave myself  my first Lovenox shot in the gut. I got up at 7am (on a Saturday morning) and went to the kitchen where I had left my shots. Ripped open the package and got down to biz-nass. I'm a big kid now! I had places to go and had to get my morning going.

I was picking up my lil sister to take her down to the Farmers Market so I could help her buy enough Roma tomatoes to feed all of Italy and the Jersey Shore House. She's going to can them. Have fun with all that sista-sis!!

The Farmers Market,- where walking around with a baguette and colorful floral bouquet is a status symbol. Like we are all walking around on the set of a Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy. We didn't get those things but I did see a couple of crunchy granola chicks with uni brows and hairier legs than my husband. Why do they insist on looking like a dude in a sundress. So gross! But it takes all kinds to make the world go round...

An interesting tid bit about the Lovenox, if I didn't have insurance, the meds would've cost $3,066. Um- what? 'scuse me!! I'm on the generic, my co-pay was $10 and with my employee discount at the pharmacy, the total came to $8. Thank you, Jesus. I'm so grateful to have a good job with great insurance. Sure they might not cover anything more than 50% of fertility meds and nothing for IVF, but that's more than a lot of folks get. So I'm just happy to have help from my insurance.

What The Hell Just Happened?

I went for my consult with the Hematologist this morning as recommend by my RE. This was part of my "homework" from the IVF Orientation appointment. As he was wrapping up with us and handing us off to the RN, he said "Hey who's going to be handling the Lovenox issue" and I said "well no one is handling it right now, would that be an OB/GYN"? He suggested I go see the hematology specialist.

I was the youngest patient by far in a very crowded waiting room. The doctor old. I was joking to my H that "this guy is so old he invented hematology." He was very rushed. The office is also an oncology hematology practice so there were a couple of cancer patients waiting for blood work and chemo treatments and then the rest were geriatrics talking about their cardiologists and previous strokes. There were signs all over the place that nicely asked everyone to be patient. Due the nature of oncology hematology, emergencies arise and basically if you were having an emergency or crisis you'd want your doctor right away. Fair enough.

Everyone in the waiting room was very friendly and I quickly figured out that they all see each other frequently for appointments and weekly "timed blood draws".

When I met with the doctor he had a 2nd year resident with him. I cannot escape students anywhere! This doctor is a renowned clotting disorders specialist and I guess he travels around the country speaking on clotting disorders. Kind of cool to have access to him in my "own backyard". We reviewed my history- that I've never had a confirmed pregnancy, that I've known about my Factor V Leiden for 8 years and take my baby aspirin daily. He asked a little bit about any other clotting disorder testing that I've had and I couldnt' recall anything else.

Doctor got quiet and was alternating between blinking a lot and staring at me. I could see the wheels in his mind were turning but he wasn't really saying much. If I hadn't been so versed in doctors appointments and advocating for myself by asking TONS of questions, that appointment wouldn't have gone very well. The doctor does all his talking in his mind until I started asking questions!

Basically what he's suspecting, because he's seen it in similar types of patients like me, that I might have other disorders that won't allow me to get pregnant. He says "What would you think if I told you that you might have a shot at conceiving a baby naturally by taking Lovenox daily?" I said "Then I would take Lovenox (duh)!". He gets up and leaves the room leaving me with the socially awkward Resident.

He comes back w/ a syringe of Lovenox and tells me to come over to him. He says "you're going to take this Lovenox right now and then we're going to do a full panel of blood work." He tells me to pull up my shirt a bit to expose my scar bellied gut. Hope you boys liked the view!!!

He cleaned the area, told me to "pinch an inch" (in my mind I was all "I got more than an inch, dude)". He pushed the needle into the belly and then made me inject the meds. I'm such a puss that I went so slow and he was basically like "just push it all in already". It didn't hurt until after it was over, just a little sting- a little stronger than an IUI drug to the thigh.

Doctor ordered the entire thrombophelia panel plus some additional tests!

When the M.A. started pulling the vacuum tube vials, she was grabbing a lot of vials. I thought maybe she was gathering up tubes for everyone in the blood draw area. Ummm, not so much. She pulled 22 vials and lined them up in the rack. They were all for me (cue the sweaty palms). I took a picture because it's unreal the amount they needed. I was bleeding for 5 minutes straight as she filled all those tubes. I felt light headed and tired when I finally got out of the chair to book my follow up appointment.

 

Then it was down the hall to the blood draw area. It just so happened the draw blood in the chemo area. I had to sit in one of those comfy chairs where folks settle in for chemo. I got a little panicky and then teary eyed as I reflected on how fortunate I am and was 4 years ago when I had ovarian cancer. It was caught early and I didn't need chemo or radiation. It took 20 minutes for the M.A. to come draw my blood because they were so busy and a lot of the staff had the day off.


He put me on daily injections of Lovenox starting immediately. They have to be administered at the same time every day. I go back on September 7th for the results from the 22 vials of blood. I will need to have one of those timed blood draws weekly until the doctor feels my dose is regulated.

My arm hurts now and I've got quite the bruise from giving so much blood and from ripping off the tape. I also had a nice 20 minutes of hives after taking of the tape- but that went away. I guess I'm just too delicate.

So because this doctor isn't a fertility specialist, I'm taking his "you might have a shot at conceiving naturally" theory with a heaping spoon of salt-not just a grain of salt. His advice today was to "keep injecting myself with Lovenox and grab a bottle of wine and have a hot date with my husband".

This is extremely confusing and disorienting because I've already got my plan of IVF in October and the fertility drugs need to be ordered in early September (and paid for at the time of shipment) so to hear that we might not have to do that is leaving H and uncertain especially because of the cost and all the mental preparations we've already done.

We will see what happens next. Wish me luck tomorrow morning stabbing myself in the stomach.

Baby Rabies

What the hell is Baby Rabies?

Baby Rabies is defined on UrbanDictionary.com as the condition wherin the biological drive to have a baby morphs into a neurotic obsession to have a baby by any means necessary. The obsession consumes the sufferers' thoughts and activities to the exclusion of all else.

I imagine that the condition varies a bit when confounded by the realization you are struggling with infertility.

So after a much needed "ladies night out" to catch up with a good friend last night, I got to thinking about a lot of stuff-some baby related. I suppose the deep fried spread of food we ordered and consumed inhaled will do that to you. It was a pretty tame ladies night with minimal shit talking. No cocktails consumed, just a crap ton of trans fats. Mmmm. We were well behaved.

On my way home from dinner I called my mom just to check in. I ended driving over to my parents house and just chatted with them for a bit. All of a sudden, an overwhelming urge to climb up in the attic came over me. It just took over. It was like like a cross between crazy hormones and some sort of wanna-be motherly instinct took over my body.

You're probably wondering- "what the fuck does this crazy bitch want out of the attic at 9:45pm on a Wednesday night?"

I'm hanging my head low with shame as I type this because I realize it's crazy. Childrens Books. I needed to get up there and  retrieve the 5 boxes of childrens books my Mom had saved for my sister at that very moment.

I turn to my Mom and explain to her that "I'm losing my mind and I was wondering if I can go get my childrens books out of the attic. I think surrounding myself with those memories will be good for my emotional well being."

So at 9:45pm my Mom goes out into the garage with me and I pull down the attic stairs and climb up into that 90 degree, pitch black attic. My Mom says "Honey you are not dressed to go into the attic", although she used nice words, her tone made me think she was really thinking "Hey crazy bitch, why don't cha get down off that ladder and let momma get back to watching her PBS documentary on Polish people".

She was right. I was still wearing my clothes from work- black wedge shoes and my business casual work attire and I had freshly manicured nails- in "whore red" of course. This may deter a sane person, but there was NO stopping me.

My Dad comes out to see what all the commotion is about and he's telling my mom to get down off the ladder that he will help. She explains to him that I "need my story books". I might have been being a little paranoid but it felt kind of like one of those situations when people are just patronizing a crazy person, talking to them in a weird calm voice and backing away slowly so they don't get "shanked" by said crazy person during a potential psychotic episode.

My Mom is deathly afraid of mice and critters So as I'm walking on beams and 2x4s in black wedges, hunched over like some chubby Quasimodo, dodging old Christmas trees, empty flower pots I noticed some mouse droppings. I mention to her in a delicate way that she should probably get down off the ladder because I think there might be things she doesn't like up here. She immediately tensed up, begged me to tell her "it wasn't so" and then retreated down the ladder while trying to contain her screams and hee bee jee bees. The last thing I needed was something scurrying out up there and cause her to jump down 10 feet to her death all because my baby rabies couldn't be contained. At 10pm on a Wednesday night. (shaking my head)

It's so flippin' dark up there and the one light bulb on a string isn't cutting it because I had to maneuver all the way to the opposite corner of the attic. Dad kindly handed me a flashlight and I explained "I'm really sorry but I'm think this is all hormones. Don't worry I'm not pregnant, just going a little crazy"

He said "Oh, I'm not worried." I said "Why 'cuz I'm married?" He said "yeah, and it'd be great". Awww! It's not an episode of "7th Heaven" but that is how "deep, meaningful father-daughter conversations" have always gone in my family.

Once I pass through some other old shit worthy of a hoarders episode, I finally find what I've been searching for! So I start digging through boxes and passing them across the attic to my Dad. Some of the boxes had dead creepy crawlies in them so we took them out of the attic boxes and repackaged them up in newer boxes. Mom helped me carry them to my car. We had a lovely 10 minutes of "Oh!!! Remember this one! I loooooooved this book" except Mom and I were saying that about every book!

It was so dark and hot up there, I was sweating like a beast. In my work clothes. (shaking my head again) I got out four boxes but I didn't find all of the old books I was looking for so maybe I"ll go back up there this weekend during the day so I can get some extra light up there to aid in my search.

But this is just a sneak peak at these gems I uncovered last night:



So I'm back to normal today, but now I'm wondering how I'm going to explain to my husband why there are 4 huge boxes of kids books in our guest room.

Should be an interesting weekend!

Hysteroscopy

I mentioned in my last post that I had some homework to do before our IVF cycle begins. One of those items was a hysteroscopy to get a visual on the lining and structure of uterus. I had my hysteroscopy yesterday and it went seamless.

The cliffs notes version: They fill your baby bag with water and then insert a camera up there to make sure you don't have any barnacles growing in your baby bag. Barnacles are bad and can negatively impact an embryo's ability to implant to achieve pregnancy.

In reality it's kind of like a pap smear. They insert the speculum, find your cervix, clean it off with an iodine soaked giant q-tip and then insert a catheter attached to a small IV bag full of saline. When they start emptying the fluid into the uterus it feels slightly cold- it's just a weird sensation. Then they insert the scope with the camera attached to it (like a colonoscopy). They let me watch on the monitor as the probed around the areas of the uterus looking for anything out of the ordinary. When they conclude the test, they drain out the water and leave you supplies and a pantyliner so you can clean up. This hysteroscopy was a lot more tolerable than the one I had in 2009. I was in and out in less than 15 minutes. I had arranged the rest of the afternoon off work because I wasn't sure what type of pain/discomfort I might have had. I went home to rest for the remainder of the day.

I had a hysterscopy back in 2009 at a different RE's office and that was a fucking disaster. They made me wait in the procedure room clothed only from the waist up for 40 minutes. I was very new on my infertility journey and the new doctor had ordered this test to see why I was having such heavy, irregular periods. I had what I assume was a panic attack during my 40 minute wait. I was shaking and crying with my heart racing a mile a minute. I felt very agitated and like I needed to get the hell out of there. I was getting up to get dressed walk out of that office for good just as the Nurse Practitioner walked in. She was concerned as to why I was crying and I explained that they basically just left me alone in the room with no pants on for 40 minutes. She apologized for being late and explained that a former patient had just brought her baby by to show off to the staff and thank them for everything they had done for her. Excuse me? I almost went through the fucking roof. That was possible the WORST thing they could've said to me as to why they kept me waiting.

The procedure itself took like 30 minutes and the NP wasn't quite sure what she was seeing, they were using a black and white monitor and it looked more like an ultrasound.They called the doctor in and he was all disheveled from finishing up on another case, they said I had a small polyp but no treatment should be needed. I just remember leaking water for hours afterward.

Looking back now after being at this newer, better practice, I realize what a shit show the old place was. I ended up leaving them because they continually brushed off my concerns, were never running on time and the staff was awful. I'd never encountered a more rude, inconsiderate office staff which is absolutely unacceptable in this speciality.

The Meds! Dear God The Meds!

I will be taking a lot of medicine for IVF. It's going to be double the amount of shots we did with IUI. I'll admit I'm DREADING the shots. I'm not as brave as some of my fellow IUI/IVFers. I cannot bring myself to do my own injections- I have an internal meltdown. My husband has a medical background and I'm lucky enough to have him do the dirty work.

Per the Doctor I'll be taking the following medications when we start our IVF cycle in October (in no particular order).

Menopur is a highly purified preparation of naturally derived gonadotropins called hMG. It contains equal amounts of two kinds of hormonal activity: FSH and LH. FSH helps to stimulate egg production, and LH helps the eggs to mature and release (ovulation). Therefore, Menopur is really a combination product. It acts as both a follicle stimulant and an ovulatory stimulant. Menopur is used to help stimulate eggs to mature in women whose ovaries are unable to develop eggs. It is also used in combination with hCG as part of an Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) program. Menopur is unique because of its ultrapure preparation. As such, it can be injected subcutaneously with very little discomfort at the injection site.

Bravelle (Urofollitropin) is a human derived gonadotropin purified from extracted urine of postmenopausal women. It is indicated for the development of multiple follicles during ovulation for patients having assistance in reproduction. It is given with hCG to to cause ovulation in patients unable to ovulate with functional infertility.

HCG- The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Ganirelix is a gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) antagonist. It is indicated for inhibiting premature luteinizing hormone (LH) surges in women undergoing controlled ovarian hyperstimulation with FSH and HCG, followed by subsequent assisted insemination or reproductive technology (ART) procedures. The main advantage of GnRH antagonists versus GnRH agonists (e.g., leuprolide) is that they reduce the required days of fertility drug therapy per cycle from several weeks (3 weeks) to several days, thereby increasing patient convenience. Secondarily, the onset of GnRH antagonists occurs rapidly after drug initiation, and the effects reverse rapidly, allowing pituitary function to return to baseline within about 2 days after discontinuation. Thus, pituitary and hormonal release is essentially normalized at the time of embryo transfer or implantation.

Doxycycline- Antibiotic. For after IVF implantion.

Endometrin- This is a progesterone supository. I have to shoot this up my cooter after the embryos are implanted into the uterus. Oh the joys!

I'm waiting my pre-authorizations to go through my insurance company. I typically have 50% of the price of the medication covered IF my insurance approves a fertility medication. I'm very nervous to learn what my portion of costs for medication are going to be. I am fortunate enough to have even 50% of meds covered, many people are not as fortunate and have zero medical coverage for fertility treatments/drugs.

I leave you with an educational video on the evolution of the ovarian cycle to hlep you understand at which point in the cycle certain hormonoes are naturually produced- or in my case, injected for an IVF cycle.

*Source

The Game Plan

So the consult went well. Spent about 1.5 hours speaking with the doctor and another 1.5 hours speaking with the RN and signing consent forms.

The "talk appointment" with the doctor was productive. We met in his office around a conference table. He said he'd been thinking about my case off an on the night before. That was nice to hear because the typical doctor reads your chart about 30 seconds before walking into the room. It's nice to know that my issues are keeping someone up at night other than myself. The gist: basically I'm "special"! Dr.'s way of nicely framing the fact that I've got one ovary- and she's lazy, deminished ovarian reserve (don't make as many eggs as a normal 29 y/o woman), a blood clotting disorder (higher risk for miscarriage and umbelical cord clots if I do become pregnant) and a history of ovarian cancer that may or may not decide to come back if I start using hard core IVF fertility medications, oh and a partridge in a pear tree.

It's kind of hard to sit there and still be a lovely smiling patient when someone lays out all of your short comings on the table like that. In leiu of crying in front of the doctor and my husband I reassure myself that  "these are the facts". I've got a lot of obstacles to overcome to acheive pregnancy- none of which are in my control, so I defer to Doc's expertise. We discussed what he felt the drug protocol should be. I will be taking a higher dose of the meds (than a typical 29 y/o patient) to stimulate the ovaries to produce a shit ton of eggs. I'll be on a typical cocktail of meds called the Antagonist Protocol. I'm still learning what all this means. When the eggs are retrieved and then fertilized we will be having 1 sperm injected into each egg. This process is called ICSI (ick-see) which stands for Intracytoplasmic sperm injection, this gives each egg the best chance to become fertilized.

The doctor LOVES his Apple products so he showed us on his Ipad, a video of how IVF works. Also took us on a virtual tour of the sterile operating room where eggs are retrieved and implanted as well as the lab where they are fertilzed and hatched. Dr. gave us a hug and a smile when we walked down the hall to the RNs office.

The time we spent with the RN was mostly signing paperwork and learning about what additional tests I needed to complete prior to starting my first IVF cycle. We also got the price list and good lord, it's one thing to know how expensive this is going to be but it's quite another to see all those numbers on paper. I need to also follow up with some specialists regarding the blood clotting disorder.

It was a long appointment and I have a bit of homework to do. Right now H and I are getting all of our financials in order because payment for the cycle is due up front.

Irony

On the day I start my period I get not one, but TWO baby shower invitations in the mail.

One of the moms-to-be I haven't spoken to in over a year so I don't think I'll be putting myself through emotional torture of that one. While I'm quite happy for them and they are very fun people we see on occasion, I think I'll just be sending my well wishes in the mail.  If I'm not close enough to you for you to call, text, or email me, I don't see why I'd need to spend the time when it's usually emotionally difficult for me to attend baby related events.

The other shower I am closer with the mom-to-be and know some of the other guests who were invited and I know it's going to be good food, that might be an event worth attending.

IVF in 4 minutes or less

Here's an IVF tutorial from our friend "Jeeves" again, incase you were wondering what exactly IVF entails.

IVF Orientation Tomorrow

We have an IVF orientation tomorrow afternoon. I'm half excited that we are finally getting this show on the road after almost 4 years of trying to conceive (TTC). The other half of me is sad, and grieving that we've gotten to this point and all of the fear that comes with the unknown. Will I go absolutely bat-shit-crayzee if cycles 1 & 2 don't work? What if my dream of becoming a mother is finally achieved? I've just got to put on my big girl panties, bring my "big limit/low interest rate credit card" and show up the appointment and see what my future holds.

Despite YEARS of hoping we'd be like those other "miracle couples" EVERYONE loves to talk about where they found out they were pregnant right BEFORE they were going to do IVF, that's not us. Unfortunately.(If you are guilty of telling such a story- I know you're trying to help but those stories are about 2% helpful to infertiles) Because I'm still an aspiring optimist, I say "great for those fictitious couples and their bank accounts."

I also struggle with the fact that my religion basically deems IVF a sin. I'm conflicted why god would've given man the knowledge to invent and develop Reproductive Medicine only to say "Hell no- you sinning bastards! You can't do that or you'll burn in hell." I don't accept the argument that I should just naturally be okay with adoption. It's a biological instinct to want to procreate. Just because my body is acting like a lazy-bitch piece of shit, doesn't mean that I cannot be a mother.

Adoption is a whole other blog post. Here's the cliff's notes version: People are fucking idiots! They think you can just go put your name in at the "Acme Adoption Agency" and put a down payment on a "white baby". The reality is that the journey of building a family through adoption is just as financially and emotionally draining. What the stupid peanut gallery doesn't bother to inform themselves about is the typical cost of a domestic (U.S.) adoption is $30,000 and the process of being deemed fit to be put on a list of  "perspective parents" can take up to 18 months. There are many variables-Birth moms can change their mind even after you've paid your money; you may never be selected by a birth mom to raise her child. If you do get your baby/child you can depend on the Court System to fuck it all up and drag out adoption hearings etc. Then maybe 12 months after you get a baby/child they court will officially recognize you as a parent on paper. Obviously I've listed a worst case scenario- many adoptions don't have these road blocks and obstacles, but some do. I'm open to it but it seems like just the same amount of risk and potential heartache and I'm just not willing to take that on without trying for a biological child.

Back to the title of the post...You might be wondering what the hell IVF orientation is. All I know is that both of us have to be there to go over "IVF 101", sign consent forms, discuss a plan of how many embryos to implant, discuss our ethical and moral stance on if we want to freeze any eggs or embryos we might have left over and to discuss time frame and protocol for when we want to start "cycling" (doing the medicine/hormone shots). I'll be sure to come back and let you know how it goes.

IUI in 3 minutes or less

My British friend Jeeves will narrate this helpful illustration for you! He's not as sarcastic as I, so I apologize in advance.

An Insemination "Date"

The IUI process is interesting to me. It has all the components of a natural way to conceive just in a mixed up order. (And yes. That is a picture of sperm swimming toward an egg. You are welcome.)

Let's say you're a normal person setting out on your trying to conceive journey. You might plan a big date night when you know your ovulating, perhaps go to dinner,have some drinks to relax and then head home and get it on. So bottom line there's a meal and some hopeful ejaculation involved, but not at the same time. After your done banging it out you'll probably lay and cuddle and talk for a bit about your hopes and dreams and cross your fingers that it worked and you'll be pregnant in 14 days. This would be the optimal outcome.

Now let's say you're an infertile person or someone who's struggling to conceive and are now under the care of an RE. You opt to do a medicated back to back IUI. You start your period- which sucks because that means that you didn't conceive last month. You go to the RE on cycle day 3 when you're still bleeding like a stuck pig which is reason enough for no one to go near your lady bits.However the doctor wants you to come in so they can draw blood from your arm and have you get the dildo wand vag-cam ultrasound up your vag while you're still heavily bleeding from your period. How lovely.

So after the nurses hose down (not really) the mess you've made in their ultrasound room they call you to tell you to start your injectible fertility med shots that night. But wait- your insurance company (CVS Caremark) has fucked you over and they would like to take 10 business days to mail your medicine even when they know you need to start taking it tonight. So you cry calling around to several pharmacies and no one carries your shots. So then you call the doctors office back crying, they take pitty on you and give you leftover shots that have been donated to them by patients no longer cycling and tell you to bring in the meds CVS will mail you after it's all too late. You'd also we crying because you're paying thousands of dollars out of pocket for this medication.

After you've done your injections for 8-12 days with doctors visits for trans vaginal ultrasounds and blood work every other day, you might finally have some mature enough eggs (16-22mm) and the RN announces you can take your Ovidrel trigger shot tonight (to induce ovulation). At this point you've paid hundreds of dollars for the blood work (not too expensive) and ultrasounds ($200-300 a pop)

The next morning you and your partner/spouse would come into the clinic sometimes as early as 7am. Our first IUI's mostly ended up being on the weekends (Costs $80 extra) so it was nice to be able to take it easy for the rest of the day when we had to be up so early out an about to the clinic on a Saturday morning. The spouse goes in first to an exam room and does their thing to generate the sample. Then you can leave and go out to breakfast at a nice cafe and have the whole place to ourselves while the sample is prepared. Preparing the sample entails putting it through a "wash" to get rid of the sperm with 2 heads, the ones that don't swim or the ones that swim sideways. The finished product you end up with super concentrated with only the best of the best swimmers.

You come back in 1.5 hours to be inseminated. They invite you into the exam room where you put your feet in the stirrups, then they insert a speculum. Once the speculum is in (the worst part in my opinion) they then insert a catheter full of the concentrated swimmers just inside the uterus and inject the "baby batter". All that in less than 3 minutes. Then they remove the speculum, flip something on the table to make your hips elevate so your womb is tilted back to give the sperm an advantage. They cover you up with the paper sheet, turn the lights down low, turn on some relaxing music and set a time for 10 minutes. They then go fetch your spouse from the waiting room to come in and wait with you.

During the 10 minute "afterglow" as we called it. We'd hold hands and say a prayer hoping this would be "the one" and then we'd talk about what we had to do that day, or tell a joke. The timer would ring and I'd get dressed and we'd head out to the front desk. We'd pay our $700 (for two IUIs) and some odd dollars and go about our business, until tomorrow, when we do it ALL over again, because these are back to back IUIs. It's basically a chance to douse the shit out of your eggs with two batches of super concentrated swimmers.

Then you'd go home and wait for 14 days. If you're anything like me, on the 14th day just as you'd convinced yourself that "this has to be it!!" you'll go to the bathroom and discover you bitch period waited until the very last second to show her stupid head and you just wasted $1,500. Usually I had medicine left over- enough to get me through another IUI so in total our 4 attempts cost us almost $8,000, but hey like I said at the beginning- at least I got "laid" and didn't have to do any of the work. I also got a couple meals out if it!