Telling my Mom

My Mom has been my biggest supporter on my quest to motherhood. So keeping the fact that IVF #1 was a BFP from her for 5 days was truly challenging.

Her best friend has had a terminal diagnosis of metastisized cancer for almost 6 months and took a horrible turn for the worst on Monday, the same day I found out I was pregnant.

My Mom called me crying, terribly concerned for her friend while H and I were out having our celebratory steak dinner. I tried to reassure her that she's doing a great job as a nurse and best friend looking out for her friend and helping the friends adult children care for their mother. Comfort care is what we are going for at this point because treatment attempts aren't going to work and it's horribly sad to know that the fight is over and the end is nearer than we'd like.

My heart was breaking for my mom, I wanted to tell her "Hey we actually have some great news in the midst of all this shitty stuff happening to you and your friend" but I wanted to make sure my beta would double.

When I got the call that my beta had doubled, my H and I felt a sense of relief and a level of comfort that it would be okay to share with the parents.

Last night H and made our way to my Moms. I knew she'd spent the day in her pajamas just hiding out taking a mental health day since my Dad was upstate hunting. We visited with her for a bit. She was very interested to know if my husband passed his test. (He had just taken a certification test required for his job) He was happy to tell her that he passed, and he got "the big envelope" with the certification and not "the little envelope" with the 'you failed' letter.

When she was done cheering for him I said "and I passed MY test too! I'M PREGNANT!!!" She reacted just like we thought she would. She gasped, said "are you serious" and covered her mouth while the tears started flowing.

We hugged for a long while while tears of joy poured out of her. I didn't full on cry but I teared up a bit. I was so glad we could give her something to look forward to. Then I told her the details that I'd known since Monday, which she was responded with a light, playful slap on the arm telling me to "get out of here".I told her that I found out today that my numbers doubled. I told her what the numbers were and she said that they were great. We told her that if all goes well that the baby would be due July 25, 2013. My H and I told her my crazy story about how I told my H.

It was pretty much the best visit ever. She was so overjoyed for us and I feel more excited now that she knows. We plan to tell the rest of the family at Thanksgiving dinner, including my Dad because he's gone hunting.

Beta #3 will be on Monday, November 19th. The Nurse I spoke with yesterday said that I can expect to come in for twice weekly beta draws until my numbers are 10,000 and that I can schedule an ultrasound for the first week in December. It seems like so far away, but I'm hoping it will fly by with the holiday season upon us.

I'm Pregnant!

I am still in shock.

I got the call around 12:55pm and I missed the fucking call!! The one time I wasn't holding my phone in my hand like I did all friggin' day, the doctor called. 15 minutes later I see I have a missed call from the RE office and immediately my heart started racing. I got out of my seat and went to find a private room to listen to the message. I was facilitating new hire orientation today at work, otherwise I might have asked for a personal day for such an occasion. The message was "This is Dr. we have your results, please call the nursing line at xyz number". No discernable happy or sad emotion in his voice.

I call back and am put on hold for what seemed like an eternity but was really only about 3 minutes with some horrid banjo like music which didn't help my blood pressure. Finally the Dr. gets on the phone and I could hear he had a happy tone but he's usually a chipper guy so it didn't really tell me anything.

He said "I have *Pat, *Tami, *Robi, *Rowena (all the nursing staff) with me here and we have your results" I asked with a shaky voice "is it good news?" He said "It is! You're pregnant" I started quietly crying and all I could manage to say was "Holy Shit!!!"  This made them all crack up. The Doctor says "can I quote you on that?" I said "sure" still laughing and crying.

Then through my trembly, crying voice I asked what the Beta HCG number was. He said it was 270 and that my estrogen is almost twice the number that they look for it to be. He said everything looks good. Then he jokingly says "How many we'd put back? 5 or 6?" I said "We did as many as it took for me to have my own TLC show "Me and H plus however many we get". Then he says "Nah, we put in two and they were beautiful".

I wasn't listening to much else he was saying other than I have to go back Thursday for another beta draw. It was like I was having an out of body experience. I've never heard those beautiful words "You're Pregnant!!" before and it's been a long fucking time coming!

4 years of tears, anger, alienation for self preservation, more tears, disappointment, thousands of dollars spent with no results, hours upon hours and doctors appointments, even more tears, strained family relationships, holding your breath when someone starts a sentence with "Wife and I have some..." and finally I've heard those words that I've longed so much to hear. It truly is a miracle.

I realize that I still have a long road of milestones to reach, but for today I am overjoyed and will soak up every moment of this joyous news! I've been in dispair for so long that I will allow myself to celebrate today and deal with Thursday's beta when that time comes.

*names changed to protect innocent nurses that probably don't want their real names in a blog with so many cuss words.

Frosties

I'm happy to report we ended up being able to freeze our three remaining blastocysts. The "runt" which had made it to the blastocyst classification didn't make it to freezing. I'm am excited that we have "Frosties" but a little sad that my Super Six is down to a Fantastic Five. That's just par for the course, not everything works out the way we hoped.

In election news, I ended up opting for absentee ballot because the thought of waiting in line with a bunch of strangers with stupid opinions was too much to bear with the wicked side effects of this progesterone I've been feeling. It's a constant state of PMS with the staby, raging anger when it's not the weepy kind of tearful PMS. I've just been trying to keep my mouth shut at home and at work because I'm finding there are many things that I don't have any tolerance for while I'm on these vagina mentos pills.

Here They Are!

I found the most beautiful sight in my email this morning. This is a picture of the two blastocysts we transferred yesterday morning. 

Now let's hope and pray that at least one of them settles in for 9 months to give us our take home baby!



Embryo Transfer Complete!

We had our embryo transfer this morning. We transferred the best 2 out of the "super six". We got to see them on a TV screen prior to transferring them into the uterus. When the transfer was complete, the Doctor covered me up and said they have a tradition.

He put my hand over my womb, put H's hand on mine. He also put his hand and the Embryologists hand on top of my H's hand and then he said "You've done everything right, taken all your medicine, taken care of yourself and now it's up to God." Then he said "All the fertility gods and goddesses of the universe, please let this be the one".

Then I was wheeled into a prep/recovery area to lay still and rest for 30 minutes. The doctor came in while I was resting and said that the embryos looked great, the transfer went great and he said "You have been through so much, you are a dear, I want you to graduate" and then he kissed my hand. You could definitely feel the optimism in the whole place!

So now we wait for 2 weeks. I've got lots of projects planned to occupy my time and my mind in the evenings once I'm done with bed rest.

I definitely have a tremendous amount of prayers and support from family, friends and even online friends and I'm so grateful and thankful! I'm hoping this is the one that will give us our "take home baby".

Day 3 Fertilization Report

The nurse called yesterday morning with our 3 day fertilization report. My "super six" are indeed rockstars! I had tears of joy in my eyes after getting off the phone with her.

Here's the breakdown:

1@ 8 cells and excellent grade
4@ 8 cells and very good grade
1@ 6 cells and very good grade

My Embryo Transfer is set for Saturday and I'll be on bed/couch potato rest until Monday when I return to work.

We will get an updated 5 day fertilization report when we arrive for the transfer appointment and will decide which embryos to transfer and which to freeze.

Shit's about to get cray up in here! Eek!

The Freshmaker

So I'm on progesterone suppositories 3x a day and if I do get pregnant I will continue them until the 10th week of pregnancy. I never knew about this sort of thing until I went to my IVF orientation. The RN went over the what meds I'd be taking and why. I didn't even give it a second though until my discharge instructions from my egg retrieval (ER) were "start the progesterone capsules 3x a day asap".

So after a long nap after discharge from ER I get my box of progesterone capsules and peer into the box. "What the hell"! The progesterone capsule is white and looks like a flippin' Mentos. Mmm. The Freshmaker!

In the box were applicators, I see small packages of capsules but these applicators look weird. So I actually read the instructions. Which are: wash hands, rip open a packet of capsules and put one in the applicator then insert into vagina and shoot way up into your cooter. Repeat at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Fertilization Report!!

I got the call at 9:30am this morning that out of the 6 eggs retrieved all 6 were mature. Even better ALL 6 fertilized!!!

This is HUGE!!!

I forgot for a moment that it's not about quantity, but about the quality. Yesterday I was bummed we didn't get more eggs out of Lefty, today I'm very thankful that she gave me 6 good eggs that have fertilized. I know that others going through their IVF journey aren't always so lucky to have all the mature eggs fertilize, so today I'm thankful.

I go back to work tomorrow and I know I have more than enough work waiting for me to keep me busy. I'm just trying to occupy my time and mind until Thursday when I get a phone call advising if we will be having a 3 day transfer on Thursday or a 5 day transfer on Saturday.

Here's a good picture from the world wide web depicting what the Embryologist and Doctor look for in embryo development over the next few days.

Happy Egg Retrieval Day!

Today was our Egg Retrieval. H and I got to the clinic at 7am and Marilyn the happy office assistant was very excited to see us. I have never seen such a morning person as Marilyn, she's chipper and welcoming and kept the vagina discussions to a minimum in front of my H (poor guy).

I had to put a gown on and hop on a gurney. Then I had an IV started in my hand which hurt like a bitch. I've never had an IV in the hand before, they usually opt for my arm. Oh well.

I was wheeled into the sterile procedure room at 7:30am and soon had enough of Michael Jackson's "bed time cocktail" of sedation drugs in my system. The last thing I remember is the doctor holding my hand and looking into my eyes telling me they were going to take very good care of me. He's such a great doctor. But by that time I was drifting off to sleep and was kind of like "Ugh let go of my hand, I'm trying to drift of to la-la land here".

My retrieval was completed in less than 30 minutes. I woke up feeling massively uncomfortable, but not too horrible. They gave me some extra strength Tylenol let me sit on the side of the bed for a little while until I was steady enough to get dressed and walk out to the car. It was less of a big deal than I thought it was going to be. I've had a D&C before and I was so drugged after that I couldn't even really walk myself out of the surgery center. This retrieval was nothing like that, thankfully.

I left knowing that they were able to get 6 eggs. I was a little disappointed with that number and became a little more worried as the day progressed. I knew that that on my last u/s I had 8 or 9 follicles that were noteworthy and only 4 were mature. The Dr. came out to tell my H while I was in recovery that they got 6 eggs out of the bigger follices but the 2 smaller follicles basically disappeared and started collapsing in and dissolving so there was nothing to get there.

I know I have the diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve but I was hoping for Lefty to give me 8 or 9 to work with.

So now we wait for tomorrow's phone call with the Fertility Report from the REs office...

Monitoring Appointment #3

At 8am we went for our third monitoring appointment. The office was a little backed up and you could sense the frustration in the waiting room full of hormonal ladies dressed in bag lady chic attire. I tried not to judge my fellow infertiles but some of them hadn't even brushed their hair and were obviously wearing pajama bottoms. I realize it's 8am on a Saturday and it's suddenly chilly outside,but goodness gracious!  At  the very least you should be brushing your hair if you're going out in public!

This mornings u/s while uncomfortable wasn't as bad as Thursday's u/s. I think this impacted the measurements that the RN came up with. She said she was only showing 3 mature (when she said there had been 4 Thursday) and 4 more on the cusp. She wasn't moving that probe around nearly as thoroughly as she had been two days ago, but all that matters is what they actually get on egg retrieval day.

After we were done, H and I went out to breakfast at a really yummy breakfast place. I ate Eggs Benedict in keeping with the egg theme of the morning. The RN called me back around 2pm with instructions that I'm to stop lovenox, stop the stim shots and only have to do my HCG shot at 9:30 tonight.

Most importantly our egg retrieval will be Monday at 7:30 am! My H and I have to be at the surgery center at 7:00am. I can't believe the day is finally here! I'm really hoping that they get 8 mature, good eggs from me. I'd be so proud of Lefty if she could make that happen for me.

I have to start my antibiotics tomorrow in the am and pm and best news of all I don't have to take a single shot until Thursday. Praise Jesus! Hallelujah!

My legs and stomach are so bruised and sore that it was getting really difficult to have to do three shots a day. Last nights stim shot hurt so bad that I had to poke myself 3 times to get a good spot. I was tired and felt very defeated and the tears started flowing. I hadn't had an injection hurt that bad in the two months I've been doing them. I was bleeding like a bitch from all three of the injection sites and it just wasn't a great moment. The emotions and crying quickly passed though once I finished the shot.

The ovarian cramping has definitely picked up over the past 3 days. Sometimes they stop me in my tracks and take my breath away. Sometimes they have me walking funny and I can pretty much count on not wearing any pants with a big waistband after 7pm, I'm just too bloated by the end of the day. While this all sucks, it's a good indication that the medications are working. It will all be worth it in the end!

Monitoring Appointment #2

This morning was our second monitoring appointment. My husband came with and I'm sure the sight of me ass in the air under a paper sheet is a sight he will relish in for years to come.

The ultrasound was pretty uncomfortable especially when they are rotating that probe around to try and count all the follicles. As I tried to go to my happy place (which is mostly my sarcastic and borderline rude comments that I usually keep to myself) in my head I'm hearing myself say "Excuse me nurse, are you looking for follicles or trying to drill a pilot hole in my cervix? Please go easy on me!"

The RN measured 10 follicles which I'm pretty proud of for having one ovary, diminished ovarian reserve and PCOS. 4 are mature (anything over 12 mm) 4 are between 8 and 10mm and the other 2 might develop into mature in time for the egg retrieval. I'm also now on lovenox, ganirelix  both in the a.m. and still stimming at night. I do feel like a bloated pin cushion but it will be worth it in the end. I go back on Saturday at 8am for another monitoring appointment.

Poor Lefty is so swollen and tender but that little girl is doing her best the make sure I'll be spitting out eggs like Henrietta the Hen come egg retrieval day. B'gawk!

Monitoring Appointment #1

I went for an early morning monitoring appointment and blood draw today. The RN already called me back with instructions to come back on Thursday the 25th for another u/s and blood draw.

This mornings u/s showed that I have 8 follicles and two are leading the pack at 12mm and 10mm. I have four follicles at 8mm, one at 7mm and one at 6mm. I'm hoping they are all magically mature eggs and that I'll have a bounty of awesome, mature eggs to fertilize.

The u/s was so uncomfortable because my ovary usually lays more toward the posterior position and hides near my bootay so they really have to jab and probe that wand around to even find it. I'm sure today was more painful because "lefty" is "tender" right now. I just had to go to my happy place (which is anywhere but on that table with my crotch in the air) and breath through the pain. The best analogy I can compare it to is like taking a serrated knife to the asshole. Not that I know what a knife to the asshole feels like but I imagine it's just as shitty.

I'm anticipating the discomfort/pain gets worse as the ovary is more stimulated. I'm sure it's nothing compared to childbirth but for right now, for me, it's a little much for 7:15am on a Tuesday when you have to go to work and go about your day as if you haven't been harpooned in the vagina.

I just keep reminding myself all you need is one good embryo to hang onto the womb for dear life to have a baby!

Cycle Day 5

Today marks CD5. So far so good. I haven't had any wicked side effects from my "stimming" drugs (stimulating hormones). I have had the urge to urinate a lot more than usual. Today was my first day of feeling tender on the left side (where my ovary is) and feeling that full, bloated feeling you get with PMS. I have a feeling I will be in sweats soon after I get home from work.

I go tomorrow at 7am for a monitoring appointment with blood work and u/s. I'll give another update tomorrow.

Baseline Blood Work and Ultrasound

This morning I went to the clinic for CD2 (cycle day 2) baseline blood work and ultrasound (u/s). The u/s showed that my lining (which is shedding) was at 6mm which is good for a CD2. It should be around 7-12mm. U/s also showed and that I have 7 antral follicles and two small cysts. The cysts come with PCOS territory (I almost always have one) and will need to be monitored as I'm taking the stimulating hormones. I'm not going to worry about those cysts until they tell me I have something to be worried about.

I also had my husband go with me to be my second set of eyes and ears while they taught me how to mix up all my stim shots. A little labor intensive but no bigger than the lovenox needles. I start my injections tonight and continue for at least 10 days. I'm hoping that I won't get a lot of the physical side effects which are nausea, headaches, bloating etc because I'm worried about managing the hormonal and mood swing effects.
I go back next week for another u/s and blood work.

What Are Antral Follicles?
Antral follicles are small follicles (about 2-8 mm in diameter) that we can see - and measure and count - with ultrasound. Antral follicles are also referred to as resting follicles.
Vaginal ultrasound is the best way to accurately assess and count these small structures. In my opinion, the antral follicle counts (along with female age) are by far the best tool that we currently have for estimating ovarian reserve, the expected response to ovarian stimulating drugs, and the chance for successful pregnancy with in vitro fertilization.
Presumably, the number of antral follicles visible on ultrasound is indicative of the relative number of microscopic (and sound asleep) primordial follicles remaining in the ovary. Each primordial follicle contains an immature egg that can potentially develop in the future.
When there are only a few antral follicles visible, there are far fewer eggs remaining as compared to when there are more antrals. As women age, they have less eggs (primordial follicles) remaining and they have fewer antral follicles.
Antral follicle counts are a good predictor of the number of mature follicles that we will be able to stimulate in the woman's ovaries when we give injectable FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) medications that are used for in vitro fertilization.

source

Meds Arrived!

Well lookie there! The UPS man and my uterus are on the same schedule. After I opened up my giant box of meds I discovered I was spotting. You heard it here first! IVF #1 is on like Donkey Kong!

That medication stash takes up almost all of my kitchen table. It's definitely going to have to be a "let's take this one day at a time" situation because the thought of all of those vials being injected into me is pretty overwhelming.

I had to call the office today to alert them that my period came and I'm waiting for their call back with instructions on what to do next.