I'm Pregnant!

I am still in shock.

I got the call around 12:55pm and I missed the fucking call!! The one time I wasn't holding my phone in my hand like I did all friggin' day, the doctor called. 15 minutes later I see I have a missed call from the RE office and immediately my heart started racing. I got out of my seat and went to find a private room to listen to the message. I was facilitating new hire orientation today at work, otherwise I might have asked for a personal day for such an occasion. The message was "This is Dr. we have your results, please call the nursing line at xyz number". No discernable happy or sad emotion in his voice.

I call back and am put on hold for what seemed like an eternity but was really only about 3 minutes with some horrid banjo like music which didn't help my blood pressure. Finally the Dr. gets on the phone and I could hear he had a happy tone but he's usually a chipper guy so it didn't really tell me anything.

He said "I have *Pat, *Tami, *Robi, *Rowena (all the nursing staff) with me here and we have your results" I asked with a shaky voice "is it good news?" He said "It is! You're pregnant" I started quietly crying and all I could manage to say was "Holy Shit!!!"  This made them all crack up. The Doctor says "can I quote you on that?" I said "sure" still laughing and crying.

Then through my trembly, crying voice I asked what the Beta HCG number was. He said it was 270 and that my estrogen is almost twice the number that they look for it to be. He said everything looks good. Then he jokingly says "How many we'd put back? 5 or 6?" I said "We did as many as it took for me to have my own TLC show "Me and H plus however many we get". Then he says "Nah, we put in two and they were beautiful".

I wasn't listening to much else he was saying other than I have to go back Thursday for another beta draw. It was like I was having an out of body experience. I've never heard those beautiful words "You're Pregnant!!" before and it's been a long fucking time coming!

4 years of tears, anger, alienation for self preservation, more tears, disappointment, thousands of dollars spent with no results, hours upon hours and doctors appointments, even more tears, strained family relationships, holding your breath when someone starts a sentence with "Wife and I have some..." and finally I've heard those words that I've longed so much to hear. It truly is a miracle.

I realize that I still have a long road of milestones to reach, but for today I am overjoyed and will soak up every moment of this joyous news! I've been in dispair for so long that I will allow myself to celebrate today and deal with Thursday's beta when that time comes.

*names changed to protect innocent nurses that probably don't want their real names in a blog with so many cuss words.

Life's a Puzzle!

 While waiting around during the dreadful 2 week window, something a co-worker said a while ago popped into my head. She said that she had been doing a puzzle after a stressful period because it was "her therapy".

One particularly terribly emotional and tense night this past weekend I suggested to my husband that we go buy a puzzle and work on it to occupy our minds and pass some time. He was really surprised at my suggestion and probably thinking "Hold your horses granny! Where's my young wife?" but he drove us to Target where we found a lovely 2,000 piece puzzle of the sky line of NYC. We basically picked the least ugly, least femmenine one.

We headed home to get to work. 1.5 hours later we had the whole border of this puzzle done and even though it was nearly completed silence while we got to work our moods were remarkably improved. We were able to quiet our fears, doubts and anxiety just by doing a puzzle.

We've been working at it a little bit every night until we get frusterated and the progress has been good.

So to all those going through a stressful or uncertain time I highly recommend you and your partner get to work on a monster size puzzle and save yourselves some therapy co-pays. If nothing else your local Police Department will thank you for the decrease in domestic disturbance calls at your address because you two will have your heads burried in puzzle pieces instead of engaged in a progesterone/lupron/stimming enduced rage-a-thon!  

Hurry Up And Wait!

My H and I were just discussing last night how last week was jam packed with RE visits and egg retrievals and embryo transfers and update phone calls. Every day there was something IVF related going on. No so much for this week.

That's how it is with infertility whether you're actively trying to conceive the old fashioned way or through assisted reproductive technology. If you're doing it un-medicated it's all about waiting until ovulation and then it's a mad dash get it on and get that egg fertilized. Then you wait for 2 weeks to see if it worked. Hurry up and wait! It's similar with IUI/IVF when your hurrying to start medications and make ultrasound and blood work appointments. You do everything in your or your RE's power to fertilize the shit out of your eggs and then you sit around and wait. Hurry up and wait!

I've had a pretty shitty week and work. I knew it was going to be shitty and was dreading it starting last Thursday. It seems like every hour of this week has dragged on and on. I can't wait for 5pm tomorrow when it'll all be behind me.

I'm so exhausted by the time I get home from work at night. Not sure if that is day light savings time, the stress of work or if  it's because my embryos are becoming babies! I've pretty much been asleep by 9pm every night, so lame!

So it will be a couple weeks more before we find out if this worked or not, but I am so, so hopeful! Just wish I had more to write about on my blog.

One of the crafts I had planned to do while we wait for the time to take a pregnancy test was to make a shadow box of a couple of key artifacts from our wedding. I think I'll have time to do that over the weekend, but we'll see!

Frosties

I'm happy to report we ended up being able to freeze our three remaining blastocysts. The "runt" which had made it to the blastocyst classification didn't make it to freezing. I'm am excited that we have "Frosties" but a little sad that my Super Six is down to a Fantastic Five. That's just par for the course, not everything works out the way we hoped.

In election news, I ended up opting for absentee ballot because the thought of waiting in line with a bunch of strangers with stupid opinions was too much to bear with the wicked side effects of this progesterone I've been feeling. It's a constant state of PMS with the staby, raging anger when it's not the weepy kind of tearful PMS. I've just been trying to keep my mouth shut at home and at work because I'm finding there are many things that I don't have any tolerance for while I'm on these vagina mentos pills.

Here They Are!

I found the most beautiful sight in my email this morning. This is a picture of the two blastocysts we transferred yesterday morning. 

Now let's hope and pray that at least one of them settles in for 9 months to give us our take home baby!



Embryo Transfer Complete!

We had our embryo transfer this morning. We transferred the best 2 out of the "super six". We got to see them on a TV screen prior to transferring them into the uterus. When the transfer was complete, the Doctor covered me up and said they have a tradition.

He put my hand over my womb, put H's hand on mine. He also put his hand and the Embryologists hand on top of my H's hand and then he said "You've done everything right, taken all your medicine, taken care of yourself and now it's up to God." Then he said "All the fertility gods and goddesses of the universe, please let this be the one".

Then I was wheeled into a prep/recovery area to lay still and rest for 30 minutes. The doctor came in while I was resting and said that the embryos looked great, the transfer went great and he said "You have been through so much, you are a dear, I want you to graduate" and then he kissed my hand. You could definitely feel the optimism in the whole place!

So now we wait for 2 weeks. I've got lots of projects planned to occupy my time and my mind in the evenings once I'm done with bed rest.

I definitely have a tremendous amount of prayers and support from family, friends and even online friends and I'm so grateful and thankful! I'm hoping this is the one that will give us our "take home baby".

Day 3 Fertilization Report

The nurse called yesterday morning with our 3 day fertilization report. My "super six" are indeed rockstars! I had tears of joy in my eyes after getting off the phone with her.

Here's the breakdown:

1@ 8 cells and excellent grade
4@ 8 cells and very good grade
1@ 6 cells and very good grade

My Embryo Transfer is set for Saturday and I'll be on bed/couch potato rest until Monday when I return to work.

We will get an updated 5 day fertilization report when we arrive for the transfer appointment and will decide which embryos to transfer and which to freeze.

Shit's about to get cray up in here! Eek!