Alanis Morissette Forgot to Write a Verse

(To the tune of A. Morissette's "Ironic")
 "You want to get knocked up, but you don't men-str-u-ate..."

So the saga of my uncooperative uterus continues... Here's some back story.

So I didn't get a period for 60 days. Not a big deal for me but I've been down this road before and it resulted in several months of bleeding and instances of hemorrhaging twice in the ER and once on the Central American island of Roatan. (That was real fun!)

Ultimately I ended up with a D&C. Having my baby bag scraped was great for me, I was instantly on regular 30 days cycles consistently for about a year -a record for me.

When FIL died things started to got shitty at our house. H and I were working long hours. I would go to acupuncture and they would do things that are supposed to bring on a period. Three weeks of that not working, they were ready to hook my uterus up to a car battery with jumper cables to get it going.

I finally got one in early May. Great! Except It's still going and we're almost half way through June .

I called the doctor - she's on maternity leave so they have me see another doctor. This doctor was not familiar with my history so I had to go through the whole thing with her and she was unimpressed with my whole- "I didn't have a period for a long ass time and now it won't stop. But sometimes it does stop and turns into spotting then nothing. Just enough to trick me into going out in public unprotected only to ruin every pair of underwear I own" story.

I requested she order me an ultrasound (u/s). The tech at the u/s says "Man looks like you're going to be getting a monster period soon".

"Gee thanks Betch -too bad I'm already on it" would you like to "predict" that Japan will have major earthquakes and tsunamis too?

Another week goes by, I call the Dr. to be a pest and ask if there's anything they can do to make my ute cooperate.

The RN calls me back and says "we're going to prescribe you this pill. You take it for two weeks and it should stop the bleeding, Oh and FYI, when you're done taking it, you'll get a period.

Thank you so much, Nurse!!!

So then I go the pharmacy and pick up this script, I'm reading the drug info. "Used for Breast and Uterine cancer patients (not me). Also used in terminal patients or malnourished patients to increase appetite (again not me, and I need to eat less, not more). I finally found some tiny Internet chat board that some people said that they have been prescribed this for the same problem so I will still take it.

I was able to get my friend Jess to agree to shield me from the media with the big tarp in the backyard when they have to take down a wall to get me out of the house and put me on the flat bed so I can go buy a new 6X mu mu.