Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Lengths We Will Go To

What won't an infertile woman to do increase her odds of conceiving is the question I am starting to ask myself with each new crazy thing I sign up for.

For example I've started taking this powder that my acupuncturist told me helped 65% of women ovulate spontaneously.  This stuff could be made from walrus testicles and ox assholes for all I know, but that hasn't stopped me from drinking it in a glass of milk each morning. Hopefully it works!

Another thing that I never thought I'd be doing is driving 18 miles after work every Tuesday to have needles inserted into weird places on my body. It doesn't hurt but I'm still not entirely comfortable with the fact that I pay a nice chunk of change to have this done and I STILL haven't had a regular period since the Clinton Administration.


Jellyfish Stings

I frequently have what I refer to as "zaps or jellyfish stings" that interrupt my daily life. If you ever saw the Disney movie Finding Nemo you'll know what I'm talking about. Remember the scene where Dory finds jelly fish and is all "Oooh Pretty"

and then hundreds of jelly fish surround Dory and Nemo and repeatedly zap the shit out of them.

The zaps I have-are like a sharp quick pain in the heart. Or a quick punch to the gut. I know I'm not having mini seizures, it's my emotions. Even though I try not to let them get the best of me- they sometimes having me do the ugly cry as if my whole family was kidnapped by a tribe of angry goats never to be seen again. 

I get zaps when I walk through Hallmark and wonder if I will ever be able to buy my Mom a "Grandma" picture frame. I was having a lovely day and then I get all shitty in Hallmark thinking "poor me, I've got one ovary and she's lazy and a uterus that has no desire to ever be a baby bag". Or how about when I walk through Marshalls or TJ Max and there's misplaced really cute baby shit on the clearance shelf far away from it's home in the baby section I so carefully avoided. I have them when I see my husband being an awesome, hard working man- I wonder will he ever have anyone to pass on that work ethic to? I get zapped when I wonder if I'll ever smell that sweet smell of a freshly bathed toddler who wants to snuggle up before bed time. Most unexpectedly I had one just the other day when I was leaving work. On my drive home I passed a small lake which is usually void of wild life and people. On this day there was a father and his son who must have been between 5-7 years old and they were fishing and I had a zap. I cried all the way home. I felt much better when I was done. But then I also feel like a selfish asshole for making their little fishing trip about my infertility.

I wish I was a more positive person. I wish I didn't allow myself to think so much about the "what ifs". I wish I could always shoot rainbows and unicorns out my asshole, but I can't. I was raised by a cop and a nurse. I was programed to be always be lookin' out for shady dirtbags, to be realistic and to always put down a barrier of toilet paper on a public toilet seat before assuming the position.

The zaps have been less frequent recently as I'm forcing myself to embrace all the fun things we CAN do because we don't have kids. We are on a break this summer. I put my thermometer, charts, injectible meds and doctors appointments away until August. We are enjoying drinking all the wine we bought in Traverse City. We're going on a couple trips. I can come home after work and take a nap if I want. We sleep in on the weekends. We eat dinner at 9pm if we want to. We go to the bar at a moments notice on a weeknight to watch a band. It's not so bad. For now...


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

One Month

Well it's been one month since my Father in Law, Bob passed away. Some days it feels like he's been gone for years and most days it's hard to even remember he's not in the hospital or at dialysis. He's just gone.

He was 67 years old and left behind a wife, a brother, 4 sons, and 7 grandsons. He had been retired for 11 years from GM and loved going on cruises to the Caribbean. He and my MIL had been on 17 cruises in the past 15 years. He loved his atomic watch and staying up to date on the weather.

He went into the hospital right before Christmas because his kidney blood work was in the danger zone. He spent 5 days in the hospital that time and missed Christmas at my house. In February he was rushed by ambulance to the ER for severe difficulty breathing and poor oxygen levels. He spent 12 days in the hospital that time. During that hospital stay he was still trying to get his kidneys working while battling the congestive heart failure. Shortly after he was discharged his Doctor told him he "could go at anytime". We were DEVESTATED.

He was determined to fight until the very end. When H and I first broached the subject of hospice with MIL we wanted her to know it was an option that could ensure he was kept comfortable since the Doctor said there was nothing more that could be done. When MIL was ready to hear what hospice companies had to say, FIL was still deadset on healing his kidneys with dialysis and then "going to the Cleveland Clinic to get a new heart". A couple days later MIL and FIL had the talk and FIL verbalized that he wasn't improving so it would okay to make an appointment with hospice. 14 days later he had less than 24 hours to live.

H and I were there through it all. H skipped his annual Super Bowl party to watch the game with his Dad in the hospital and I know he has no regrets about that decision. H also went up to the hospital a couple times to watch hockey games with his Dad. I'm so glad he did that and I know he is tool.

We were fortunate enough to be able to take time from work to be with MIL and FIL especially near the end. We spent a great deal of the night at his bedside, MIL was snuggled up next to him. Nearly all of his children and daughters in law were holding his hands, rubbing his feet, praying for him and spilling our hearts out to him to soothe and calm him. He passed away at 4am in his own bed snuggled next to my MIL. My Brother in law came to wake us all around 4am after MIL called out that she thought the end was here. By the time I got down the hall into the bedroom he was gone.

From what I've heard from the experiences of others this was as peaceful as it could've been and I know my H is so thankful we were able to be there for MIL and with FIL for his last moments on earth.