Saturday, November 12, 2011

IUI #2 Fail

Upon returning home from U of M hospital where I'd spent the last 29 hours supporting my BFF while her husband underwent open heart surgery I discovered that aunt flow had appeared and again slashed any hopes and dreams I might have had of a baby. She's a thundercunt and can fuck the hell off.

So, IUI #2 is a fail. What I really appreciate is how my period is such a spiteful bitch she waits until the last day before I have to test to show her stupid face. As if the agony of waiting out the two week window isn't a big enough mind fuck.

Because this weekend wasn't packed with enough real life drama I then had to put my shit back together and slap on a fake face.I cried while applying make up so I could attend my cousins going away party. She's moving to Dallas with her hubby in a week and I won't be seeing her smiley face for a while. My husband was trying to keep my spirits up because it upsets him when I cry, said "Isn't crying while putting on make up counter productive?" Why yes, yes it is.

While we were at the party my cousins friends with a beautiful baby showed up. Then they put their cute baby on a blanket on the floor right in front of me. His mama said to him "Oh, honey you are so cute, I just love you so much, I can't get enough of you". Then I died a little lot. Then I had to get the fuck out of there.

Guess I really won't be getting the opportunity to make a pregnancy annoucement at Friends Thanksgiving or even real Thanksgiving as I'd hoped. I won't be giving our parents a framed ultrasound picture for Christmas either. I don't give a shit about the holidays this year. I'm not feeling cheery and I am gonna have to dig hard to find something to be thankful for at Thanksgiving.

I can't stop crying tonight. I feel very defeated and totally fucked over by the universe and about $6,000 more in debt.

I don't want to talk or hear about babies. I don't want to see babies until I can get through this mood.