Thursday, April 28, 2011

Jellyfish Stings

I frequently have what I refer to as "zaps or jellyfish stings" that interrupt my daily life. If you ever saw the Disney movie Finding Nemo you'll know what I'm talking about. Remember the scene where Dory finds jelly fish and is all "Oooh Pretty"

and then hundreds of jelly fish surround Dory and Nemo and repeatedly zap the shit out of them.

The zaps I have-are like a sharp quick pain in the heart. Or a quick punch to the gut. I know I'm not having mini seizures, it's my emotions. Even though I try not to let them get the best of me- they sometimes having me do the ugly cry as if my whole family was kidnapped by a tribe of angry goats never to be seen again. 

I get zaps when I walk through Hallmark and wonder if I will ever be able to buy my Mom a "Grandma" picture frame. I was having a lovely day and then I get all shitty in Hallmark thinking "poor me, I've got one ovary and she's lazy and a uterus that has no desire to ever be a baby bag". Or how about when I walk through Marshalls or TJ Max and there's misplaced really cute baby shit on the clearance shelf far away from it's home in the baby section I so carefully avoided. I have them when I see my husband being an awesome, hard working man- I wonder will he ever have anyone to pass on that work ethic to? I get zapped when I wonder if I'll ever smell that sweet smell of a freshly bathed toddler who wants to snuggle up before bed time. Most unexpectedly I had one just the other day when I was leaving work. On my drive home I passed a small lake which is usually void of wild life and people. On this day there was a father and his son who must have been between 5-7 years old and they were fishing and I had a zap. I cried all the way home. I felt much better when I was done. But then I also feel like a selfish asshole for making their little fishing trip about my infertility.

I wish I was a more positive person. I wish I didn't allow myself to think so much about the "what ifs". I wish I could always shoot rainbows and unicorns out my asshole, but I can't. I was raised by a cop and a nurse. I was programed to be always be lookin' out for shady dirtbags, to be realistic and to always put down a barrier of toilet paper on a public toilet seat before assuming the position.

The zaps have been less frequent recently as I'm forcing myself to embrace all the fun things we CAN do because we don't have kids. We are on a break this summer. I put my thermometer, charts, injectible meds and doctors appointments away until August. We are enjoying drinking all the wine we bought in Traverse City. We're going on a couple trips. I can come home after work and take a nap if I want. We sleep in on the weekends. We eat dinner at 9pm if we want to. We go to the bar at a moments notice on a weeknight to watch a band. It's not so bad. For now...


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