Friday, June 24, 2011

I'm gonna come at you like a Honey Badger!

If you have never heard of a Honey Badger, they are one of the most bad ass animals in nature.(see video below)

Lately I've been resisting the urge to throat punch people at work and other well meaning people in my life. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing or what, but I'm just really sick of a lot of the whining and bullshit people are bringing to me at work.

I acknowledge that we all need to talk through our problems to make ourselves feel better, however I can only listen to the same list of complaints- all of which are out of your control for so long. Then I have to fight back the urge to shout "Hey Idiot, you have a 50% chance of this working out for you or not working out for you. Regardless, you'll manage.

I work with several Grandma's (AKA G-Squad) who are scared of the sound of their own farts. You could easily give them a heart attack by asking them to hold others in our company accountable. This whole week I had to sit with my door closed for almost the whole day. Every day.

I can't listen to another stupid "Guess what my perfect grandchild did story or listen to them rave about what new AARP discount they got". I don't give a flying fuck about your Grand kids and I'd really love it if you could actually add value to our department or just fuckin' retire already and let us hire people who want to work. I will not teach you how to use Excel again you better ask someone else.

I've tried to be nice but they would screw me over at lunch time telling me I needed to stay and watch the department so they could all go out to eat with each other since there were only certain days they were all on the schedule. Thanks a lot G-Squad! Don't choke on your Boniva and Ben Gay sandwiches. Assholes!

I wish I could actually tell at work and in my life to fuck off and shut up until they have something to say that's worth listening to, but that wouldn't be the actions of a "Team Player", now would it? I'll just sit behind my closed office door and wait to attack like the Honey Badger.





-A

Friday, June 17, 2011

Who Shitted On Da Flo?

I like a good story as much as the next guy! So I will share.

My Sister works downtown in a high rise building in the busy business district. She works in a call center with about 10 other very nice women. While everyone gets along very well, some of the women are more lax in their grammar. Think inner city slang type speech, but not quite Ebonics.

On this particular day one of the said slang talkin' ladies came hurriedly out from the bathroom that was shared by the entire floor of their company. My sister heard her very upset voice, rambling from down the hall. As the woman made it back into the call center area she was telling several other people about the atrocity she had just witnessed in the restroom.

She describes that she went in there to do her business. She entered her normal stall door to find a large TURD on the floor. She then says she got out of there so fast and then asks "Okay, who SHITTED on da flo?".

My amazing little sister shared this gem of a story with me, all of her friends, and then my friends, We now have this running joke- because it's hilarious. Apparently it happened again on, at least, one other occasion. Then a couple people were fired for various reasons and the shitting on the floor stopped.

It's also funny for me because my sister has a phobia of public restrooms because they are dirty and germy but also because she has some pretty intense issues with "breathing in other peoples poop fumes and putting those germs into her lungs". I'm sure hearing that you have a phantom floor shitter in your midst made her eyes bug out of her head. I wish I could've been there!

But the cherry on this sundae is really this email that I received from my cousin who I don't get to see every week because she moved two states away:

We have a bio-parent who gets to visit with her son every week...she has a "medical problem" which causes her to need a diaper. Well, yesterday she went into our bathroom which we share with several other suites in the building and apparently left her shit filled diaper on the floor as well as poop everywhere in the bathroom. Our building manager emailed us and told us to attend the "children" who use our bathrooms. When my co-worker told me this story I immediately thought "who shitted on da floor". HAHA!!!

-A

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What happens when our Infertile Friends Become Pregnant?

What happens when a sister infertile finally becomes pregnant? I recently found out what happens after a friend had a successful IVF cycle.

At first you sit there stunned.

Your eyes may start to sting with tears.

You may think "Holy Shitballz! If it can happen for them, maybe it really will happen for us!!".

You may feel immediate joy.

You will definitely feel like "Last of the Mohicans". The.Only.One. that is not knocked up.

Along with feeling like you're completely alone you may think: "Who will I talk to about the fact that I now feel completely comfortable with the TSA cavity searches on my recent trip to Disney, thanks to all the infertility tests I've endured?"

You will undoubtedly be holding your breath along with the mother-to-be after each doctor's appointment, praying that it's still good news until you hear that a healthy baby has been born.

No one wants to be in the infertility club. It's a dreadful place. No matter what road you have to take to get there, it's a blessing when a member graduates the inferility club. I'd like to know if there's a way to get to a place where you can skip all the emotional warfare and just skip right to being happy for someone who suffered along with you for so long? I hope to get to that place. It would be nice, not to mention make me feel a little better about my character if I could just be happy the second I hear an infertile isn't so infertile.

Lastly, you will never give up hope that you will end up just like the "friend of a friend's cat's old foster mother who tried for 19 years and BAM! One day- she was pregnant!!!" And now she gets to be the proud mother of the Carnie acting as Booking Agent for the "Yak Woman".

A girl can dream...

-A

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Oprah's Favorite Things on Steroids!

Remember those Tampax commercials with "Mother Nature bringing you your monthly gift" aka your period at the most inconvenient times?

Well Mother Nature has parked her 18 wheel tractor trailer in my drive way and the gifts just keep on coming with no sign of her leaving. Thank.You.So.Much.

After 60 days of not getting a period. I finally got one except 27 days later- it's still going. Seriously.

It's like an episode of Oprah's favorite things where it starts out "Do you like this big screen? Well guess what audience you're going home with this BIGGGGG SCREEEEEN!!" and then 30 minutes later you leave with 15K worth of gifts. OR like the famous "You get a car! You get a car! Everybody gets a car!" episode where it the "fun" kept on building. I'll admit that this is very weird, but every morning when I wake up and still see my period is raging on I hear Oprah's voice in my head saying "You get a PERIOD! You get a PERIOD! A gets a PERIOD!

Keep your car. Bitch.

Incase you haven't seen the clip of Oprah giving away cars here it is from youtube:



-A

Update on Dinner with the Girls

Dinner was fun. Unfortunately I was the only one with out a fetus growing in my womb.

The story behind the accidental pregnancy was too good not to share. Sometimes when I tell these stories people just go silent. Maybe they blink a little- but they have no words and typically say "You can't make this stuff up".

My friend RS (Real Sassy) is the definition of free spirit. She's hilarious- probably one of the most honest people I've ever met. She's been looking for her prince charming for the five years I've known her. I've lost track of all her boyfriends and couldn't name them all if my life depended on it. I'm full of useless shit knowledge like that. They were nice guys, just not the right one.

I used to be real big on place cards at my annual Friends Thanksgiving dinner. I would re-use the place cards because our group of friends, for the most part, stayed the same. Well after the third year of having to re-make a new one for her current boyfriend I just wrote "RS's Man". All 20 of us laughed about it- EVERY THANKSGIVING! And in truly asshole-ish poor taste, we filled in the new boyfriend about what was so funny. Again, RS was upfront with her guys- so the guys could roll with it.

So at  last weeks dinner, I'm so glad to see my friends and I ask RS about the sperm donor. I didn't know his name or that she was even dating anyone. She filled me in. They met on the "DatingSpot" section of the local news station's website. "I ask weren't you on reputable sites like Eharmony, Match, Cupid?" she said she and a friend were bored one night and wanted to see the "losers" on the Dating Spot. (And for all you 6th grade Creative Writing dorks out there- this is what we call foreshadowing).

RS's account of events had me reacting half the time with my jaw dropped and the other half of the time laughing til I cried. So please allow me to paraphrase her account of events.

RS meets up with this guy who looked very handsome in his photos/has a great smile. They end up bumping uglies several times. They become exclusive. He starts to make her sick errr the fetus inside of her starts to make her sick. She starts realizing (her words, not mine) that "he's pretty incompetent in life. Owns a home but knows nothing about plunging a toilet or starting a lawn mower- seems a little helpless for a 30 year old man". She finally takes a pregnancy test. Test comes back positive. They decide to still go on a trip to Florida. She tells him she's knocked up. He says things like "Oh, cool."

They get back from Florida RS tells him they need to break up because "she cannot stand him". He says things that indicate to her he thinks that a baby will come live with him. She explains that "newborns need to be with their Momma's and that she can't stand him so she will not be at his house." He loses his management job because he took a company car to the bar after work without permission and got in a fight with people that threw rocks at the back of the car so he backed up into said rock throwers and then took off. Rock throwers called the Police and now Sperm Donor may be facing criminal charges for fleeing the scene of an accident and is now unemployed. They've been together 13 weeks and she's 10 weeks pregnant.

RS was going back to have blood work taken this week to make sure everything is on track.

Yesterday while she was there having her blood drawn they gave her another ultra sound and found:




TWINS!!!

Surprise Twins! In the name of Leah & Cory from Teen Mom II this lucky bitch better play the lotto!

RS will be a fantastic mother, I have no doubt of that. In the meantime though, I am going to sit back and watch this episode of "32 & Pregnant" play out.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Alanis Morissette Forgot to Write a Verse

(To the tune of A. Morissette's "Ironic")
 "You want to get knocked up, but you don't men-str-u-ate..."

So the saga of my uncooperative uterus continues... Here's some back story.

So I didn't get a period for 60 days. Not a big deal for me but I've been down this road before and it resulted in several months of bleeding and instances of hemorrhaging twice in the ER and once on the Central American island of Roatan. (That was real fun!)

Ultimately I ended up with a D&C. Having my baby bag scraped was great for me, I was instantly on regular 30 days cycles consistently for about a year -a record for me.

When FIL died things started to got shitty at our house. H and I were working long hours. I would go to acupuncture and they would do things that are supposed to bring on a period. Three weeks of that not working, they were ready to hook my uterus up to a car battery with jumper cables to get it going.

I finally got one in early May. Great! Except It's still going and we're almost half way through June Indifferent.

I called the doctor - she's on maternity leave so they have me see another doctor. This doctor was not familiar with my history so I had to go through the whole thing with her and she was unimpressed with my whole- "I didn't have a period for a long ass time and now it won't stop. But sometimes it does stop and turns into spotting then nothing. Just enough to trick me into going out in public unprotected only to ruin every pair of underwear I own" story.

I requested she order me an ultrasound (u/s). The tech at the u/s says "Man looks like you're going to be getting a monster period soon". Indifferent

"Gee thanks Betch -too bad I'm already on it" would you like to "predict" that Japan will have major earthquakes and tsunamis too?

Another week goes by, I call the Dr. to be a pest and ask if there's anything they can do to make my ute cooperate.

The RN calls me back and says "we're going to prescribe you this pill. You take it for two weeks and it should stop the bleeding, Oh and FYI, when you're done taking it, you'll get a period.

Thank you so much, Nurse!!!

So then I go the pharmacy and pick up this script, I'm reading the drug info. "Used for Breast and Uterine cancer patients (not me). Also used in terminal patients or malnourished patients to increase appetite (again not me, and I need to eat less, not more). Indifferent I finally found some tiny Internet chat board that some people said that they have been prescribed this for the same problem so I will still take it.

I was able to get my friend Jess to agree to shield me from the media with the big tarp in the backyard when they have to take down a wall to get me out of the house and put me on the flat bed so I can go buy a new 6X mu mu.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm Either Really Stupid or Naively Brave...

If you prefer to read the Cliffs Notes version of this post please scroll below all these pesky words.

Today is not so great. Well... I was having a great morning until a well meaning friend texted me about if I was able to come to her baby shower in a couple weeks.

I am not such a great friend as I avoided getting my mail out of my mailbox for a week knowing that the invite was coming. Then when I finally did get the mail I left the invitation un-opened on the kitchen counter for another couple days until H opened it for me. The baby's super cute sonogram picture is on the invitation. (cue the sad lifetime movie music.)

I just cannot do it. I cannot attend this baby shower right now. I'm happy for my friend. I'm grateful that she isn't going through infertility (IF) and she didn't even have to try to conceive her baby. But I'm like one more "accidental pregnancy" announcement away from losing my shit on everyone.

I didn't lie to her and make up an excuse as to why I can't attend. I shouldn't have to lie, I should be able to talk about this shit with my friends. I just told her I can't attend and am sorry to miss her celebration. More so I'm just sorry that this part of my life is so freakin' shitty. My friend texted me back and said she was actually meeting up with another friend of ours for dinner tonight- I should join them. I am excited!!! I thought this would be a great opportunity to give her the shower gift since I wouldn't be attending.
While I was on the phone with H, I texted the other friend to let her know I invited myself. She asked if I had heard her news. I hadn't, but I know what that means. "Have you heard my news?" means either you are engaged or pregnant. She doesn't have a boyfriend right now so I know she's not engaged...
She texted back "Prego, and by accident".

GREAT!

Of course you are!!!

I told H about her "have you heard my news" text and then when her reply text came in he asked me about it and I could barely get the words out. It was instant waterworks here folks. H asked me if I was going to be okay and then told me not to cry -as I got up from my desk to shut my office door to cry in private. I told him I'd keep it to a minimum and we hung up.

I already said I would meet them for dinner and I do miss them and very much would like to see them. What do I do?

Normally I would flake-the-fuck-out and not think twice about self preservation but I'm slightly worried that my friends will start to think I'm going to get all "Hand that Rocks the Cradle" on them. I know for sure I will never become THAT unhinged regardless of what happens. These girls are both older than me, they are good people, they want children- these babies are good things and they will be adorable!

I called my friend crying on the phone like a little bitch to tell them about this circus. She gave me three reasons I could use to get out of it and then was very encouraging and empathetic. I feel better.

I think I will still go to dinner because I miss those fertile bitches.

CLIFFS NOTES VERSION:















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